lots of things bouncing around in my brain tonight.  i feel really closed off these days, in spite of being happier. or maybe just more leveled out.  no medication. it taught me how to step back from things and see how bad they aren't.  but talking to people is still so hard.  sometimes i wonder if i'll never make a new friend again.  or if that even matters.  i have a really bad sunglasses tan...who would want to be my friend?  i am telling myself not to waste next year being frigid but i am only really half listening to myself.

things are better, though.  this time a year ago things were kind of scary but mostly just sad.  full of the kind of things i could never tell anybody about other than as a one liner funny story about whatever.  i don't like to talk about it but i think now i may actually be the luckiest girl in the world!  last week we cooked together for the first time (usually i am too grumpy from being hungry to help at all).  we grilled and prepared everything out on the porch. we roasted marshmallows!  we at a ton ton ton, and it was so great.

i was singing.  "that's how i can tell you are happy."